Naruto: Abridged
by Crow's Gamble
Summary: Revisit each and every arc from Masashi Kishimoto's original series through an irreverent rehashing from yours truly. Warning: (Insert reasons not to read here.)
1. Introduction Arc

**Disclaimer: This entire fanfiction is a work of parody and no offense is meant towards **_**Naruto**_**. I do not own the series, nor am I being compensated in any way for this. If you have no sense of humor, now is probably a good time to look at another fanfiction. This chapter covers chapters 1-8 of the manga.**

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**Chapter 1: The Introduction Arc **

As story begins, Naruto is caught vandalizing a monument of some old guys. Spoiler, the bust that resembles him is his daddy.

Naruto transforms into a hot naked woman with whiskers and steals a scroll of such monumental importance that readers never hear of it again. Learns a jutsu that seems OP, but is easily defeated countless times by future enemies. Officially becomes the world's flashiest ninja and gains a follower in Konohamaru, a gap-toothed crybaby.

Two characters are introduced: Sakura, the most useless character to ever force her way into a series (until the time skip), and Sasuke, the biggest Marty-Stu character to appear in an anime since Broly wore out his welcome in _Dragon Ball Z_. Sakura has psychological issues. Naruto kisses Sasuke. Fan girls cream their panties.

Naruto is placed on a squad with Sakura and Sasuke. Absolutely no one saw that coming. Kakashi is placed as their sensei and teaches them the value of teamwork by shoving his fingers up Naruto's ass. Sasuke is a head. Sakura is useless. Writer is moved.

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**Author's Note: I honestly did not expect to begin writing another **_**Naruto**_** series, particularly given that I still have yet to complete any other fanfics…but crack fics are nice and relaxing for me and I won't be in any rush to finish this. Just a recap of the various **_**Naruto**_** manga arcs with my own twist on things. Enjoy! **

**Crow**


	2. Land of Waves Arc

**Disclaimer: This entire fanfiction is a work of parody and no offense is meant towards **_**Naruto**_**. I do not own the series, nor am I being compensated in any way for this. If you have no sense of humor, now is probably a good time to look at another fanfiction. This chapter covers chapters 9-33 of the manga.**

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**Chapter 2: Land of Waves Arc**

The gang catches a cat because ninja have nothing better to do than chores nowadays. They are hired to escort Scruffy McGee. Almost immediately after stepping outside the village, they are attacked by the Demon Brothers. Disclaimer: Demon is a popular word in this series.

Sasuke saves Naruto's ass. Naruto stabs his own hand because that is the natural response to getting saved by Sasuke. Sakura is useless.

Enter the Land of Waves, a place so foggy that Naruto could remove your bra, and you wouldn't even notice. A shirtless mummy appears with an enormous broadsword longer than his body. Totally not overcompensating for something. Kakashi responds by revealing his eye, an act which promises to usher in an era of badassery until he is captured almost immediately. A series of confusing reversals occur until Zabuza is killed out of the blue by a masked kid.

Plot twist: Zabuza is not really dead.

Naruto and friends meet Scruffy's family. A series of irrelevant backstories and chakra training occur. Writer forgets to pay attention.

Naruto meets a hot boy named Haku. Thousands of yaoi fanfictions are born.

Zabuza attacks the bridge with the masked cross-dresser. An epic pair of battles occurs between Zabuza and Kakashi, Sasuke and Haku. Sakura is useless.

Meanwhile, Scruffy's family is attacked by Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee. Naruto kicks their asses. Then Naruto brainlessly attempts to help Sasuke by walking straight into Haku's trap. Thousands of hospitals are temporarily treating concussions from otakus that face-palmed too hard.

Naruto is knocked out. Sasuke becomes Haku's personal pin cushion. Naruto gets foxy. Haku gets screwed. Wants Naruto to kill him until he doesn't. Saves Zabuza from Kakashi and dies.

John Everybusinessman shows up with a group of thugs and declares intent to kill everyone. Kishimoto seems to be trolling. Zabuza is pissed. Reveals bad dental hygiene practices as he somehow unravels his face mask with both of his arms disabled. Series' first badass villain is killed by a bunch of noobs. Writer suffers from a severe case of the feels. Thinks that no villain can ever be as great. Enter Gaara.

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**Author's Note: Too bad I couldn't have updated when the actual series ended, but that was a hectic time. The point of this fanfiction is to be relaxing though, so it can't be helped. See you on the next arc!**

**Crow**


	3. Chūnin Exam Arc

**Disclaimer: This entire fanfiction is a work of parody and no offense is meant towards **_**Naruto**_**. I do not own the series, nor am I being compensated in any way for this. If you have no sense of humor, now is probably a good time to look at another fanfiction. This chapter covers chapters 34-115 of the manga.**

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**Chapter 3: Chūnin Exam Arc**

Naruto feels cocky. Sasuke feels inferior. Sakura feels horny. Sasuke rejects Sakura. Burn Heal is ineffective.

Konohamaru is a rock. Sakura bullies Naruto and his minions. Kankurō bullies them. Sasuke bullies Kankurō. Gaara bullies them all. Great life lessons are learned.

A series of relevant characters are introduced. Kakashi registers squad for the Chūnin Exam in the hopes they will upgrade from "bitch" to "mediocre."

Gang shows up to take exam. Bruce Lee Jr. is getting his ass kicked by two chibis. Sakura appears and Lee is suddenly a badass. Asks Sakura out with all the charisma of a dead rodent. Challenges Sasuke to a fight. Naruto interferes and is magnificently pwned. Sasuke fights and is magnificently pwned. A turtle appears and lectures Lee until he is bitch slapped across the battleground by his flamboyant doppelganger. A heartfelt apology ensues.

Naruto makes a scene and pisses everyone off. Kabuto appears and reveals his playing cards. An exuberant amount of stalking is implied from all the data he has. Gets attacked by the Three Stooges and is beaten up. Pretty sad in retrospect, given his future status as a primary antagonist. Fight is broken up by Scarface who initiates the first part of the Chūnin Exam: a written exam.

Everyone is screwed. Seems impossible to do well unless you cheat. But wait…that's what they wanted?! Those sly sons-of-bitches. Naturally, Naruto and Sakura don't get it. Exam ends and Scarface reveals his misshapen cranium. Anko jumps in and takes over.

Meet Pedo Snake, the main antagonist of Part I. Somehow, one of the Leaf's special ops fails to recognize her not-so-subtle mentor. Enter the Forest of Death, where Naruto's first instinct is to take a piss. Apparently, he is a prime target for imitation as two ninja immediately masquerade as him, including Pedo Snake.

Naruto is eaten by a snake. Sasuke and Sakura are ravaged by Pedo Snake. Naruto is a badass. Sasuke is a pussy. Pedo Snake gives Sasuke a hickie. Sakura is useless.

The Three Stooges attack. Lee intervenes, but is pwned. Sakura cuts her hair. Barbie, Gluttony, and Sloth intervene, but are pwned. Neji has veiny eyes. Sasuke wakes up a bona fide badass. Ravages the Three Stooges and takes their scroll.

Enter flashback. Gaara kills people. The end.

Back to present. Kabuto appears. Talks tactics. Nerd. The gang is swarmed by a buttload of clones from some no-name ninja. Sasuke identifies the secret of their attack. Naruto beats the crap out of them. Sakura is useless.

Gang passes the second exam. Opens the scroll, and poof, Iruka appears. Babbles nonsense. Hokage appears with a bunch of sensei. Somehow, the most powerful man in the village fails to recognize his not-so-subtle student. A history lecture ensues. A preliminary round begins.

Kabuto drops out. Sasuke declares intent to fight. Then he fights Android 19. Defeats him through sheer plagiarism.

Shino fights with Stooge #1. Reveals that his body is a massive bug nest. Fan boys are awed. Fan girls are disgusted. Pedo Snake flirts with Kakashi while his minion's arms implode.

Kankurō faces Mr. Fantastic. A marionette is used to achieve a more epic end than child molestation.

Sakura gets paired against Barbie. The ultimate mediocre cat fight ensues, ending in a dual knockout after one of the most unnecessary flashbacks in manga history.

Tenten is defeated by Temari in a fight so badass, the manga does not even show what happened. Gaara trashes Lee. Stage is set for the most badass prelim round fight.

Shikamaru takes on Stooge #2. Shika's bad luck with women begins here. Gives girl a concussion. Date is concluded to be a failure.

Naruto faces off against Shaggy and Scooby. Naruto prevails through deception, innovation, and a fart. Plagiarizes Sasuke plagiarizing Lee for the win.

Hinata faces off against Neji. The cousin complex begins here. They Gentle Fist the hell out of one another until Hinata cannot take any more. You heard correctly. Gentle Fist. Naruto swipes some of Hinata's blood, because hygiene is apparently a nonissue in the ninja world.

Everyone pisses their pants at the possibility of facing Gaara. He is paired against Lee, who proceeds to take off some weights and transforms into Speedy Gonzales. Gaara's face crumbles apart in a moment that resulted in many readers promptly wreaking havoc on their undergarments. Starts overpowering Lee until a flashback allows Lee to go Super Saiyan and enter into the world's most epic game of solo pong. Appears to prevail until Gaara's sand pulls through and he crushes Lee's arm and leg.

Gluttony and Stooge #3 face off in anti-climactic finale. Stooge #3 wins through the magic of science.

Preliminary round ends. A few minor characters are killed off to illustrate that the Sand Village has allied with Pedo Snake. Naruto is dumped by Kakashi for Glasses Perv. Naruto trades Glasses Perv into Apple for Mega Perv. Training occurs in a hot spring, where the thrill of possible nudity becomes very real to all adolescent fans. Try Sun-ken Rock. You're welcome.

Training doesn't go so hot. Naruto is such a lost cause, Mega Perv pushes him off a cliff. Naruto taps into chakra and summons Lucifrog. Passes out from the effort.

Shikamaru visits Naruto at the hospital. Gaara tries to kill Lee. Shikamaru and Naruto save Lee. Drawers are once again rendered irrevocably soiled as the depths of Gaara's depravity are made clear. Ultimately saved by Lee's sensei.

Hinata flirts with Naruto. The main event commences. Naruto faces off against Neji. Writer wonders why it never occurred to him to summon Lucifrog from the get-go. Cool stuff happens. Neji won't shut up. Naruto gets the crap beaten out of him. Gets foxy. Defeats Neji.

Sasuke gets special treatment. Kankurō forfeits. Shikamaru is lame. Then Shikamaru is a badass. Then Shikamaru is lame. Then Shikamaru is a badass. Temari is a babe. Let the shipping begin.

Sasuke finally shows up. Gaara goes full psycho. Reveals mommy issues. Once again, Sasuke gets by through plagiarizing a combination of Lee and Kakashi. Gaara seems down for the count. Suddenly, the invasion begins, and the exam prematurely ends.

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**Author's Note: Gotta love revisiting the Chūnin Exam arc. One of my favorites. Almost sorry I'm done with it. Hope you guys enjoyed it. Till next time!**

**Crow**


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